Communication Styles and Skin Thickness

I've started this blog, mainly, because of some recent articles in the NY Times by John Tierney regarding the reasons why their are so few women in STEM. While some of his writing contained bits of truth, mostly it was a thinly veiled opinion piece that the editors should never have put in the 'science' section.

But I have no desire to attack Tierney or the Times editorial staff beyond voicing my displeasure at both. What I want to discuss here is why women really leave STEM.

It's all about the people, and their communication styles.

Photo by Articulate Matter

Throughout my life, I have participated in many activities where there are hardly any women - CS departments, engineering companies, tinkering groups, ham radio, some sports. Aside from occasional pleasant surprises in my professional life (such as once attending Grace Hopper), I'm often the only woman in the room. But generally I haven't found this to be a problem. I am lucky in this regard, I know this can be a problem for many women, especially at first. But over time I've learned strategies that help me to not feel intimidated giving a talk in front of a room full of men, to not feel worried about speaking up in meetings, and to hold my
own arguing to the death about software design.

But the one thing that has, on occasion, made me want to leave technology entirely and open a bakery are people who come across as jerks. People who are deaf to the tone of their affect, who do not understand that their mannerisms would be considered rude by most people, who act seemingly unconcerned about how others might feel in reaction to what they say. The good news is these people are usually gender-egalitarian in their thorniness, but I think sometimes for some women, enough encounters like this make you want to leave the rose garden.

"You need to grow a thicker skin" and "Don't take it personally" are comments I heard early in my career, and still hear as advice given to young women embarking on theirs. Women are told, particularly in academic science, that if they want to be successful they need to be able to handle the beatings that can come in a manner that is unquestionably brash, rude, and humiliating. We are told to not cry in front of others, we are told to not lose face, and ultimately, we are told to act like men. (Except not too much, because then you become unlikeable, and that's also a career killer for STEM women. Surprise!)

The problem is that most women I know have much lower emotional pain thresholds when it comes to their professional lives than most men I know. And while other professions have their share of people interaction problems, they seem to be less tolerated to the degree they are in STEM. I've attended many a talk where someone in the audience interrupts the speaker, repeatedly, to nitpick. Nobody will ever pull Dr. Jones aside and say, "You had some good points, Dr. Jones, but did you really have to be so rude making them?" The problem is, Dr. Jones is not going to notice the quiet sighs and subtle eye rolls every time zie acts up during seminar. Dr. Jones does not get hints. Dr. Jones may or may not respond to directness, but by the time others in the group have worked up the gumption to say something, it's years too late. The humiliated person is long gone, from the organization and perhaps from science itself.

This is a problem that needs to be addressed on mutiple levels. Yes, wronged people need to rise from the ashes, get their game on, and fight back. But everyone else needs to stop acting so tolerant of brash behavior in science. And for people who act brashly, they need to learn, as much as they are able, some more positive interaction behaviors.

I don't think most people are jerks. I just think many of them are completely unaware of how they are coming across.